December thoughts

I can’t my imagine life being any different to what it is today.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to not be alone.

I was at a good friends wedding on the weekend and I wasn’t sad for the first time in a long time. I was overjoyed for her joy.

As hard as I try I can’t imagine my own wedding. I can’t picture anyone looking at me the same way that the groom was looking at my friend – with such untempered love and hope. How people get together and fall in love is somewhat of a mystery to me. The chances of meeting each other, and loving each other are just so small.

I’m not writing this looking for sympathy. It’s just an observation. I think if I did find love it would scare me. I have become set in my ways, scarily selfish. That happens when you live alone, with only yourself to look after. I am coming to terms with this as my life. I figure that if I can be content and single, then maybe God will look down and decide to grant me what I really want – though the truth is that I don’t believe that – God doesn’t give good things on a merit based system, which is kind of a pity. If he did at least you could do something about changing the things that break your heart. As it is now, we have no control over them at all.